Fear of the unknown

Let me start off by saying I had a truly wonderful holiday. Sunday before New Year's I got together with some friends to pre-celebrate the upcoming holiday. I enjoy very much spending time with my friends and this was another year well spent celebrating.

My title is just that. Fear of the unknown. I often wonder about the many fears of a person. Some fear heights, snakes, spiders, etc. I on the other hand fear death. I have come to notice that as I get older, I am concerning myself with it more often. I wonder if it is because I enjoy my life to the fullest that I am afraid of it ending abruptly? Or is it because I'm getting older and know that my days are numbered? Thinking back to when I was younger I don't have any recollection of even pondering over the subject. I mean I had the occasional deaths of the neighborhood boys but it never triggered a response in me. As far as my family, I only had the death of my cousin and more recently, my stepfather. I have had some distant deaths of two cousins recently but no one that was extremely close to me other than my stepfather. I try to grasp some sort of comforting notion that will satisfy my need for a cure to my fear. My husband believes that I need to have my faith restored in an attempt to help me get pass the fear. Will that really help? Would seeing some sort of counselor really help? It's written in stone in my brain that fears cannot be conquered. I know this to be untrue as I once was terribly afraid of airplanes but no longer. So if I can win that battle then shouldn't it be as equally easy to get over my fear of dying?

I don't go to funerals. I am not one to care what another thinks but for some strange reason I am embarrassed by this confession. Not so much because I think someone would laugh or think it's ridiculous but mainly because it's identified with "paying your respect" for the departed. I was present at my stepfather's funeral and I can't begin to put down in this blog the unimaginable pain I suffered that day. It's a two part fear I have with death. Mines and my loved ones. The unknown reflects my own death. You hear stories about after life and judgement day to try to prepare one for what's to come. Are we really prepared? It's the unknown. We don't know what's one the other side. We don't know what it is like to take that last breath of air into our lungs before leaving this earth. That there is what I fear most. I have heard the term many times about fearing the unknown. To me, that applies to everything else except dying. I haven't visited my stepfather's grave since the day they lowered him into the ground. I so badly want to go but just can't bring myself to do it. Which leads me to the next statement. Will I have the same reaction towards my mother or father's death? Is that selfish of me to not confront it head on so that I can be strong enough to visit the grave's?

I am blessed that my parents are healthy. I'm blessed to have my health and my family has theirs too. My mind wanders and it debates the pros and cons to which would be easier to handle. Sudden death or a long slow death of a loved one. On one hand you have time to prepare mentally, I guess, and get to spend all the time you have left with that person. On the other hand, you hold on to a false hope that they may one day get better. Sigh......

I wish I had answers to the questions in my head. It's is rare that I have to reach out to another person for advice or consolation but as the days go by, I struggle more and more to develop some sort of connection with someone who can help me with my fears and concerns.

Thanks for listening. I get like this every now and then and just need an ear. Goodnight.